Laughing in the Face of Suicide
by Smokey-eyed-Beauty
Summary: Do you know that the suicide rate increases dramatically over the Christmas season? Weird holiday fic. Asucaga, rated for language.


**Ok, so this is my shot at a Christmas fic. Of course, me being me, it has almost nothing to do with Christmas, therefore no fluffy morals or santa claus scenes. Heck, there's quite a bit of Christmas bashing. Anyways, here goes.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed, but Fukuda, if you want to give it to me for Christmas, I'll be the happiest girl on earth.**

**Oh, and this is a Christmas present for my friend Ladymadchan.

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_December 15th, CE 74. _

"Do you know that the suicide rate increases dramatically over the Christmas season?"

Kira glares at me. It's a what-the-hell-does-this-have-to-with anything look. I glare back. He was asking for it. Every year, he comes up to my office, in person, with so-so take-out kabobs (slathered in _chili_ sauce) and tries to convince me to join him at his and Lacus' (wait –just Lacus') stupid Christmas party. And every year, I tell him to fuck off.

What?

I don't celebrate Christmas, ok?

So, anyways, this year Kira's being even more persistent than usual; buying better kabobs, visiting me on a regular basis and showing me with compliments. Can't say I've been complaining. I hardly ever get visits from my little brother these days. Of course, they would be a lot more enjoyable if he didn't bring up that damn party every two minutes. I'm seriously considering going through that huge book of laws I never open to see if there's one against forcing your religion upon other people.

Actually, I was about to do that when Kira waltzed through my office door for what I think was the eighth time this month. And, almost naturally, the first thing he said was: "have you thought about joining us at the Christmas party?"

To which I countered: "Do you know that the suicide rate increases dramatically over the Christmas season?"

I would have loved to tell him that what he was doing was illegal, but seeing as I had no proof of that, I decided to go with the suicide statistics instead.

And now we're back at square one: Kira glaring at me.

I decided to act innocent (well, as innocent as you can be when you're talking about people killing themselves).

"Well it does," I say, referring to the suicide rate, "I've got the statistics on my desk if you want to see them. The divorce rate goes up too, you know."

After a moment of silence, Kira finally says it:

"What does this have to do with Christmas?"

For the Ultimate Coordinator, he sure is slow at times.

"Everything!" I exclaim, not sure weather to be mad because he's so unwilling to look past the glitz and glamour of this stupid holiday or weather to feel happy because it's finally my turn to teach my little brother something. "The media makes it appear that if you don't celebrate your Christmas a certain way, it's no good. Do you know how much pressure that puts on people? Do you have any idea how much time and money that goes into their picture perfect Christmas? The stress? And don't even get me started on the whole _nobody should be alone on_ _Christmas_ thing!

Kira's staring at me, wide-eyed, he always gets freaked out when I start on a political rant. I take a breather. Screaming ideals and/or proof at the top of your lungs is hard work you know.

"The media only lets us see what they want us to see. To them, there is no way someone could be depressed at this time of year –let alone commit suicide! But I'm above them, and I can see past the whole glitz and glamour of this stupid holiday. And you know what I see? I see Christmas, a fucking ugly Christmas!"

I stop, no quite sure what got into me. Sure, I don't like the damn holiday, but I never knew I felt so strongly about it. I look at Kira, he isn't at all sure what to do.

"Sorry," I murmur, "I think I got a bit too excited back there."

Kira chuckles a bit.

"You sure did."

He comes over to where I'm sitting, behind my desk, and gives me a cross between a rub and a pat on the back. After a moment, we laugh about what's just happened.

We spend the rest of the afternoon just enjoying each other's company. Kira helps me with some files and I try my best to drop the hint about how Lacus is hoping to go a step further in their relationship. Neither of us mentions Christmas.

It's one of the best afternoons I've had in a long while.

_December 20th, CE 74_

Kira thinks I've gone insane. I'm serious. Why else would he send a psychologist t to see me? OK, so she isn't a psychologist, but it's the same shit. Why else would my _darling _little bother send Lacus Clyne to see me?

When she got here, she had this huge smile on her face. Huge as in bigger than the one she usually has. She walked in, looking like a ballerina about to do a pirouette, and gracefully sat down on the chair I have in front of my desk that's placed there just for her (not).

"Hello, Cagalli," she said cheerfully, "how are you today?" She tilted her head to the right when she said that so she could get a better look at me. Or, if I give up the politically correct act for a second: Lacus tilted her head to the right so she could stare at me like I was some sort of monster until I felt obliged to answer her question.

"I'm fine," I said, "and you?" I added that last bit reluctantly, just so she wouldn't start staring at me again.

"I am wonderful," she told me, her huge grin becoming larger. "Though I have been quite busy for the last little while," she added. All I could think was, _oh no, she's_ _going to impose a guilt trip on me_. "In fact, I was not planning to come and see you today, but Kira," she paused, she always pauses when she says his name, "insisted that I do."

At this, my ears perked up. What could be so special that my little brother would send out his girlfriend to visit me for? Did he finally propose last night, or what?

"He told me about what happened during his last visit," finished Lacus.

Kira's last visit was the 15th.

And this brings us back to where we were, me realizing that my own brother thinks that I belong in the asylum.

"It seems that you lost control of yourself," says Lacus after a minute of me not saying anything. "Kira," she pauses, "was worried about you. He was wondering why you would say such things."

"What I said was the truth!" I bark, scaring the pink princess. I can't help it, I've never been a fan of Christmas and it bugs me when people act like it's the best thing we humans have ever come up with. "I may have gotten carried away, but I wasn't lying," I say this in a softer, gentler voice, "you know I can't lie Lacus."

She smiles. A sweet, small smile that is much more becoming of her than the gigantic ones she had on earlier. _It's like picking the right outfit,_ I think to myself, in a moment of complete out of character-ness.

"That's true," she says (no pun intended, I'm sure), "but do you have any idea why you got so carried away?" She's staring at me again.

"Stress?" That's all I can come up with, and I don't really care, I just want Lacus to stop staring at me.

She nods, doubtfully, telling me that doesn't believe me in the least and that she already knows (or thinks she knows) why I got so carried away.

" I don't think so." Only Lacus has the gal to say anything that implies she understands me more than I do myself. She takes full advantage of the fact too, knowing that I won't bite back. " I believe that it was more than stress that made you explode like that, I think it has something to do with your personal life."

For a second, I want to snap: stress is a part of my personal life. But then I realize where she's going with this: Athrun. That's probably why they've (Lacus and Kira) been so persistent on getting me to come to their Christmas party. I don't know if I should feel mad because they're taking me for a defenseless woman who can't live without a man, disgusted, because they're using sugar coated nobody-should-be-alone-on-Christmas logic, or happy, because I have friends who care for me.

"Did you…" Lacus' voice is shaky. That means she's asking a personal question. "Did you and, well you know, did you ever do anything for the holidays?"

She's being so politically correct that I'm ready to barf. What my friend means to say is: "did you and Athrun ever do anything what-so-ever that was Christmas-related on Christmas?"

Come to think of it, we did. Every Christmas I spent with him was spent with the two of us sitting together, a blanket wrapped around us, looking up at the stars and drink eggnog -the only part of Christmas I ever got attached to. Athrun never liked Christmas either (though he did, dutifully, go to those pink holiday parties) and we sort of bonded over it. Like how people who like movies bond over that. Man, we had a lot of fun back then…

But, yeah…

I look up at Lacus, completely unsure of what to say. Right now, all I can think will have her reporting to my brother that I am in either total denial about my relationship with Athrun. Which I am not! There's nothing to deny. We were to people who had a connection, got together, had fun and broke up. That's life. Don't like it? Well tough shit.

"No," I finally say, "we didn't." It's a bit of lie, I know, but it's the best I can come up with. Besides, I'm a politician, we're aloud to stretch the truth some of the time, if it's for the greater good. And believe me, my friend, this is most definitely for the greater good. "My father was pretty anti-Christmas," I say, like I'm trying to find a better answer to why I blew up at Kira the other day, though I'm really just trying to get Lacus off my back, "he used to show me suicide statistics all the time at Christmas. He'd go on about how it was a such a materialistic holiday too."

For the record, that's not a lie, Actually it's very true. Father was a devout follower of Haumea and did not believe in Christmas. In fact, he hated it. According to Kisaka, he lost his wife sometime during the holiday season. I'm not really sure; father never had the time to tell me…

Lacus shrugs.

"Well if that's it…" she trails off and stares at me again. Just incase I want to blurt it out that it's because I'm bitter about Athrun and all that jazz. Yeah, right. "Well I suppose I'll be off then." She gets up and starts dance-walking towards the door, just before she leaves, she turns and looks at me, "Cagalli?" she asks, "will you be coming to the Christmas party?"

If she were Kira, I'd kill her. But she's not. So I just shake my head and she just leaves.

_December 24th, CE 74_

"Athrun's going to be there, you know," Kira tells me in his last desperate attempt to get me to come to what I have dubbed the 'pink shing-ding' (a/n: everyone, bask at my canadiasum!).

"Lovely," I reply, coldly, I'm getting a bit more than annoyed with all these invitations to something I have already said I'm not going to. "Tell him I say hi," I add, just to show hi how much I care. Apparently, Lacus still told Kira that I was in denial about the whole Athrun thing despite all my wonderful efforts to show her I'm fine.

We're in my office, as always. Kira walked in a few minutes ago and asked me if I was going to the pink shing-ding. He seems impatient today, must be all the last minute shopping, so he decided to go straight out with the heavy artillery and said: "Athrun's going to be there…"

And well, you know the rest.

Kira sighs, I offer him a candy cane that Thomas Elliot, one of the older emirates, gave before he left on vacation. He seems to think that I'm still the same 6-year-old princess who would do anything for candy. Kira takes it, observes it, and then asks: "will you at least be coming to the children's party?" The way he says it, I think he's just remembered. The context would suggest that too.

The children's party is held Christmas mourning at Malchio's orphanage. It's basically just giving those deserving brats a bunch of presents while they get hyper on candy. They love it, and I'll admit I love it too. When kids are happy, everyone's happy.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," I tell Kira. He smiles. We always come to the same agreement every year, no matter how much we fight about it. I go hang around with him, Lacus and the kids in the mourning, but I leave as soon as I see any sign of their pink shing-ding and I don't dare show my face around there until after new years.

It's sort of become our Christmas tradition.

_December 25th, CE 74_

"Kira says you say hi," says Athrun, walking through my office door. I jump a little and then, lamely say: "hi."

He laughs. I can feel myself blushing.

It's about 10:30 at night and Christmas is almost over. God I work late.

"God you work late," says Athrun, most likely reading my mind.

I look up at him and giggle.

"I know."

There's a moment of silence as we both try to think of what to say next. It's kind of intimidating. I haven't spoken face to face with Athrun for what seems like centuries now –though it's probably been no more than a couple of months. He's wearing a tuxedo that makes him look like some sort of conductor. His hair has grown but his eyes are still the same. I wonder if he is too…

"That's a nice sweater you have on," he tells me, it's his turn to be lame. Then, as a gamble, he adds, "it suits you."

I'm glad he thinks so. Lacus gave it to me for Christmas this year. I don't tell him that, I just think it. What is it about Athrun that makes me freeze at the simplest of questions?

Suddenly, he's kissing me, and I'm kissing back. God, I forgot what a good kisser he is. He's a bit rusty though tonight, guess he hasn't been practicing much. That thought alone makes my heart soar. Not to mention the fact that he's kissing me!

And now he's not.

We've broken apart and now we're just staring at each other.

"What was that?" I ask, not sure if I should be appalled or delighted.

"The truth," says Athrun. You'd expect him to say it like some old stuffy college professor, but he doesn't. He says it like he really believes it, like our kiss was the truth. "I've brought a blanket," he says.

I hesitate for a moment, but as soon as it's over I take out the eggnog Kira gave me that I've been hiding just incase.

So, you see the truth is, I'm not over Athrun. I don't think I ever will be. I love him and that's that. But if he were to leave tomorrow, I'd have a good cry and get back on my feet. Yes, I love him, but there's more to life than love. Still, if we can be together and love each other, I'll jump at each chance we get.

We walk out to my balcony and Athrun wraps the blanket around us, giving me the bigger share. I open the eggnog and drink straight from the carton. I offer some to Athrun, who takes it happily. I have to stop him from drinking it all in one blow before long. We talk about random shit like the weather and politics. I ask him how his Hanukkah was…

Wait, I forget to mention that. Athrun's Jewish, his whole family was (is?). That's why he doesn't like Christmas. I'm pretty sure there's more to it, but he's never confirmed that. Just like Father, he never had the time.

Anyways, he told me it was fine. He celebrated with his Dearka and Yzak, his two comrades from the Le Creuset team, even though they aren't Jewish, and Yzak's fiancée, Shiho, who is Jewish. He told me about how he loves the holiday because of how the light the menorah every night, and how beautiful it is, and that what he likes best about it is how the light becomes stronger and stronger every night. I say that I'd like to join him for Hanukkah next year, and that it sounds a lot simpler than Christmas. Athrun knows me; I like simple.

We kiss again, then break apart. I take a sip of the eggnog and then Athrun drinks what's left.

"Pig," I tell him. We laugh and then we're silent, just enjoying each other's company. I love doing this. I wish we could do it all the time but it's a distinctive Christmas/anti-Christmas thing and we can only once a year. It's ironic how this holiday we hate brings us together like this every year.

I mention this to Athrun, and he laughs. I laugh too, because ironic things tend to make me laugh. We calm down after a while, and look at the sky. We talk about the stars and how different the look down here on earth.

"I think I like them more down here," concludes Athrun, bringing on another silence. I glance at his watch. It's 11:48 p.m.; Christmas will be over in about 12 minutes.

"I love you," we both blurt out like fools at the same time. We laugh some more; laughing has always been something we've loved to do together. I wish we could that all the time, but life won't permit us to. Damn she's a bitch. Might as well take what you can when you can.

I kiss Athrun. I think he's a little surprised because normally he's the one who goes in for the kill. When we finally break apart, he has a huge smile on his face.

"Merry Christmas," he says.

I snort.

"Whatever."

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**Well, there you go, hoped you liked it. I've been reading a complicated kindness, by Miriam Toews, and it's sort of influencing my writing right now. I think anyone who's read the book will notice. Anyways, please review. Happy Holidays!**


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